Identity Crisis .:Part 1:.

I know that it’s been awhile since I’ve written. Yes, it’s fast approaching midterms and the first round of assignments, and I’m aware those aren’t valid excuses because of time management….so you got me there. But, what I’m about to write did trouble me for a bit. Not in the-world’s-going-to-end kind of way, but my-world-in-my-head shaking—thought-provoking—wait-a-second—huh?!! kind of way.

While Goffman elaborates on how humans have crafted the art of putting on our masks designated for each situation, Foucault assumes that we are watching each other and making sure these acts are up to standards. So, in a sense I act the way I do because I’m expected to.

Or is it that I act according to how the public perceives me?

Or…I act how I want people to see me?

Hmm, all are very good possibilities, and all, or some, or one could be true. Then, who am I?

Growing up, I disliked the possibility of being labelled and stereotyped as a vapid, dippy, girly girl. I also grew up in a predominantly White-Anglo-Saxon town, which did not help my identity as an ethnic minority. I battled my parents strong cultural beliefs, practices and values, and secretly pretended to disregard my cultural identity at school. I decided that I needed to become white-washed. In high school, I made it a point to be friendly to everyone, but keep my distance from the girls, and infiltrate the boys. I decided to be one of the guys. So what does this all mean?

At risk of exposing myself, at some point(s) in my life, I chose these identities of me and actively constructed them for myself. In the Foucauldian sense, I saw that I needed to be white-washed because I was too different that people in my community would not be able to process and understand my culture. The community standard in living in the panopticon of cookie-cutter suburbia was to act like everybody else, which meant to dismiss my culture and be a banana. Goffman would have told me that I am performing my “whiteness” and “guy mentality” as an act based on my surroundings. Since everybody around me was White, I performed being White. Furthermore, though I opted to hang with the boys rather than waddle in the drama of the girl cliques, I ultimately managed my identity to fit in with the guys.

So I became who I am based on my surroundings and company? Does this really account for how my identity was and/or is formed, and does this reflect my authentic true being? I’m not the greatest with philosophy, so maybe this explains my struggle with this post.

While my thoughts are still percolating, tossing in the wrench of the computer, social media, and online identity throws me in for a loop. How is my online identity constructed? Do I build it as I am, or how I want others to see me? Has my Facebook identity evolved and changed like I have, or does it stay stagnant locked in a matrix somewhere?

Computer, I ask you this as a friend…how much of my identity do you control and hold?

to be continued…

Sam 2, Computer 1

N’ah, I’m Just Frontin’

Next in line in laying my foundational theory is Canadian sociologist: Erving Goffman. His basic premise is that we as individuals all put on performances of our selves. He compares our daily face-to-face interactions with the public, and within the private, to a theatrical production: setting, script, props, costumes, cues, audience reaction. The components of our daily lives change much like scenes change; thus, where we are, what we do, say, or meet all change along with it.  We merely adjust accordingly based on our needs and surroundings.

If I may tie this in to Foucault, we all probably feel the need to adjust our “performances” as we know that we are all covertly being watched and moderated. I wouldn’t be going to the grocery store in my underwear. We take social cues that one must put on clothes before leaving the house. That is what is expected of us.

Now if I were to go to a country bar in an evening gown, I may be casted some awkward glances, feel highly overdressed, and more than likely be the ridicule of the night. Though I’m not harming anyone, or participating in anything illegal, I would take the social cue that my performance be deemed a little on the socially inappropriate side and opt not to do it again. Or if I was happily walking down the street and ran into a friend, exchanged hellos, and then learned that they lost their job, I’m more inclined to change my chipper demeanor to one that is a little more solemn.

Interestingly, Goffman links some aspects of our performances to social mobility and status symbols: “…performance is ‘socialized,’ molded, and modified to fit into the understanding and expectations of the society in which it is presented”, and “The notion that a performance presents an idealized view of the situation is, of course, quite common” (35). As it seems, we tend to like to put our best foot forward. Yes, we do this because we don’t want to infringe upon someone else, or upset and disrupt them as the ‘nice’ people that we are. But, we also do this because we want to be seen in the best light possible so that we are thought to be highly esteemed and respected individuals.

Who doesn’t want to be respected? I get it. But Goffman also stated that: “…fronts tend to be selected, not created” (28). What does he mean by that? That we are all practicing self-illusion?! Makes sense…I go to a job interview, I’m professional and competent. I go to a party where my ex might be there, I make damn sure I’m looking knock-you-off-your-socks salacious.

No arguing with Goffman there, he’s called me out. I’ve selected which Sam to be, and how Sam should conduct and look during that time. My question then is while Goffman emphasizes the performance in self-illusion aspect, I turn it back to authenticity and ask which part of these performances are real, and which am I just confusing with status and social mobility?

Is idealized Sam really me?…

I’s be internetting ;)

Upon the birth of my blog, I established right out of the gates that I would encounter some problems. One of them being:

How do I assume my blog identity?

For starters, I have to be evaluated on this by a supervising professor. So do I present myself as Academic-Professional-Sam? Or do I assume to be my “normal” self as a cynical-pessimist-about-everything-Sam? And here I present the infamous rhetorical question: What IS normal?…because believe me, I am far from it (come to think of it, we all are far from it).

Ultimately, I decided that although a part of me should probably remain professional since this is tied to school and academia, I opted to go in the direction of being my usual self…to the best that I can. In order for me to express all that I wonder and question about social media and my research, I will have to be frank and as open as I can be (albeit hidden behind a computer screen as a faceless entity…Note to self: maybe a self-picture to add?). Having a blog as part of my evaluation is a bit of an unorthodox method in terms of course work, but it ironically fits into the scheme of things, and most likely is one of the very few (if at all) school-related times that I don’t have to speak and present myself in my best professional voice.

Annnnnd, return to my different identities and who I am. As I reflected and weighed my options on how to present my blog self, it dawned on me: why do I have and assume many identities? I have many disguises and faces: daughter, student, part-time worker, girl-friend, and friend Sam, to name a few. But even something like friend Sam has subcategories: close friends (for the mellow-whatever-rolls Sam), acquaintances (some formality required), cheerleading friends (the party-crazed-loud-everyone-look-at-me), school friends (let’s get down to business and study). All these are many identities I assume, and which I ask you to question: how many identities do you hold?

I pose this question because in all my identities, they are all ME. But, while they are all true forms of me, they are variations of how much I hold back or dish out of myself. I try, to uphold my end of the bargain of being a person, to be the most authentic and genuine self no matter what variation of my identity you come across. Yet, with social media and the notion of branding and marketing yourself, how does this affect one’s identity? Like deciding my blog self, which part of me do I largely portray online? This got me thinking about how much of our identities are tied into our online portrayal: do we base it on our actual real life self, or do we overcompensate our best selves online and then hope that everyone who sees us in real life is tricked by our online identity?

Take my blog identity however you want to, but I pray that I am not marked and graded on my grammar and formalities…cuz this blog ain’t have none of that! Move over MLA, APA and Chicago format. The hell with punctuations and grammar. I’m embracing internet speak. I CAN haz cake and eat it too.

Sam 2, Computer 0

I’m watching you…

Part of my argument in my research is the notion that social media is an institution. Enter French Philosopher Michel Foucault:

Cute lil guy don’t you think?

He elaborates on the idea of the panopticon… “A pan-o-what-a?!” you say? Before you question my research and start asking me whether I’ve seen a frying pan transform into some kind of Optimus Prime, I will expand. The panopticon originally stemmed from Jeremy Bentham – mostly from the behaviours of prison and the idea of surveillance. Foucault, furthers Bentham’s theory and in short, the idea behind the panopticon is about power, discipline, and regulation. Specifically, it is an omniscient quality that asserts an invisible power by ordering and structuring social regulation. As such, we at the individual level are ordered at a social level, which ultimately infiltrates into the regulation of our morals. A set of unspoken-but-agreed-upon rules that govern us into cordial, civil social subjects amongst each other.

An example of the theory of the panopticon could be the school setting. For the most part, we know that when the bell rings, we know to make our way to the classroom. But how do we know to do this? Yes, because it’s the rule. But we follow this rule by taking the social cue that everyone else is doing it too. We have a choice to be late, or not go. But, we also know there are consequences to those options because we are governed into knowing these possibilities. Hence, we are socially regulated to go to class when the bell rings, and morally regulated to go knowing the repercussions if we don’t ,or are tardy. Psychology lovers out there, I’m guessing you’ll compare this to the idea of classical conditioning. What I take from the panopticon, is the notion that we get autonomy by conducting ourselves in orderly fashion and creating a sense of cohesion, but also keeping us in check so that one person doesn’t get too carried away towards a free-for-all-every-man-for-himself idea.

As I tie this into my research, I am suggesting that social media serves as a panopticon. Social media as the institution, and us users are the police and watch-dogs of each other. As I creep someone’s profile, I am making judgements of what they post, how they look in their pictures, what they say, and so forth. Should they make a mistake (an honest misstep to a massive faux-pas) I might be inclined to step in to correct said action. Notice that there’s always someone who’s taking stealth photos of someone dressed highly inappropriately, ready to post on their page to comment, remark, laugh? Or felt the need to take a picture of someone who ticked you off somewhere in public, then share and vent to your online friends?

I debated this with my boyfriend the other day. He at first didn’t seem too concerned as his argument was that people will always make comments, remarks and criticisms. And yes, while we seem quick to judge and harp on someone over a forum or comments section, it is easier as we can hide behind the computer screen. I agreed, but then pointed out that while I have laughed at a friend’s Instagram post at a stranger’s expense, I also am uneasy with the idea that perchance there could be some photo of me online somewhere with derogatory and harsh captions because I shoved someone down the stairs (this NEVER happened!), when it was a circumstance of a very packed stairwell and I nudged past them. There’s always two sides to a story.

With the accessibility of the internet and social media, we all seem to feel the need to point these occurrences out online and call someone out on their action and criticize. To a point, we are asserting our power and discipline, and taking social regulation to a whole new level. But ever thought about the moral aspect of it? We are after all, violating someone’s privacy rights by taking their picture without their knowing.

Whether I care about your actions or not, I am at the end of the day, watching your every move.

Let the Games Begin…

Welcome to the first post of my blog! You may have figured out from my About Me and Readings pages, this blog was created for a directed research course that I get to choose a topic of interest and design. While this is not a response to a reading per se, it is more of a get-to-know-each-other post, and a sort of insight to my inspiration behind my topic and research.

As a previous university student, I remember the days when pagers came out and the professors’ protests and clear instructions to either turn them off during class or not bring them at all. Well, much has changed since then, and it seems that most professors these days urge students to not text, or even ban laptops and tablets. That aside, I sometimes catch myself feeling archaic in the fact that I can’t seem to just read my readings off a computer screen like most of my fellow (and much younger) students. I have to print everything (much to the chagrin of being environmentally friendly). And I much prefer taking notes by pen and paper rather than using my macbook or tablet.

Not that I have anything against the computer. In fact, I love the accessibility of being able to look up virtually (pun intended) everything via the internet. In fact, it has made my life as a born-again student easier. Ten-fold. My friends joke about my aversion and “allergy” to the library (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE books…just not the library), so you can imagine my thrill when I can pre-research through the internet.

And what of social media? While I may have a facebook profile I hardly go on it, and I can’t seem to bring myself to have a Twitter account. Yet, I find myself quite attached to Instagram. I get it, in order to be “with” everybody, I have to be connected. Yet, I find it eerie that I have to market my own self almost as if it’s its own product and entity. Yes, I am an entity, but a product? Of what? My parents? Ryerson? facebook? Coca-Cola? So…this means I have to think about branding myself as a product? McLuhan was onto something when he said that technology becomes an extension of the man. But to think of myself as a commodity (I could open a can of worms here my inserting a joke/comment about me being up for sale…I’ll leave that for you)?

I know, there is ironic value to having a blog for my research and criticisms on the internet and social media. But as I began setting up the site, I realized that not having Twitter or “creeping” through facebook 80 times a day really has left me a little out of touch with technology and by and large, what is going on around me. I actually struggled with creating my blog. I left it for a couple of days week, because I was scared and overwhelmed by all the features and buttons and things to click on. Hence the birth of my blog name: samvscomputer. Because admittedly, more often than not, I have moments with my computer.

Embarrassing as it may be, I had other terrible names for my blog before I finally came up with the genius one I have now:

*mythesisblog           and         *thesitewithnoname

I had several others, but they were unfortunately taken. The above runners-up were of the few that weren’t already taken. Hey, the creative process can be seriously stunted when you’re under pressure and overwhelmed. But I like to think that I won this round Computer.

Sam 1, Computer 0